Why do I overreact to small things?

You overreact to small things because your brain reads a small moment as a threat. When it does, it calls in an emergency responder, what Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System, calls a Pressure Reflex. The moment is small. The alarm isn't.

You know this moment

Your partner asks, "Did you remember to call the bank?"

You didn't.

And before you've even decided how you feel about it, you hear your voice come out sharp. "I've had a lot going on, okay?"

The room goes quiet.

Ten minutes later, you're replaying it. It was a simple question. So why did it feel like an attack?

Why does a small thing feel so big?

Your brain is working all day, every day, checking each moment for one thing: am I safe?

Most of the time the answer is yes, and nothing happens.

But when a moment reads as a threat, the alarm goes off. And when the alarm goes off, it calls in an emergency responder. That responder is a Pressure Reflex.

Think about the smoke detector on your ceiling. It can't tell a house fire from burnt toast. It senses smoke, it goes off, and the fire truck comes either way.

An overreaction is a responder showing up at full force for burnt toast.

Why does my alarm go off for things that don't matter?

Because of how it was calibrated.

Part of your alarm is built in. Every person is wired to protect themselves.

Part of it is learned. Early experiences set how sensitive it is. If being corrected, being left out or being wrong in front of people ever felt dangerous, your alarm learned to watch for it.

That calibration was set a long time ago, and it hasn't been updated for the life you're living now. So a question about the bank, a one-word text or a comment in a meeting can still read as danger.

The moment is real. The danger isn't. That's a false alarm.

What does an overreaction look like?

Not every overreaction looks the same. Your alarm calls in the responder it was trained to call.

• You find yourself arguing before they've finished the sentence. That's The Defender.
• You find yourself explaining for five minutes. That's The Overexplainer.
• You find yourself apologizing and agreeing to something you don't want. That's The People Pleaser.
• You go cold and stop letting anyone in. That's The Fortress Builder.
• Your mind goes blank. That's The Short-Circuiter.
• You change the subject or leave the room. That's The Dodger.
• You take over and start fixing everything. That's The Ringmaster.
• You start listing everything you've done this week. That's The Performer.

Everyone experiences all eight at some point. Most people have one or two that show up far more than the rest.

How do I know it was an overreaction?

Your reaction is bigger than the moment.

That's the tell. A simple question gets a speech. A small mistake gets a shutdown. And afterward, you're left wondering where that came from.

What does overreacting cost you?

Once a responder is called in, it does its job at all costs. It isn't there to protect the relationship or your reputation. It's there to put out the fire.

So the people around you start adjusting. They soften how they ask. Then they stop asking. Some topics quietly become not worth bringing up.

One reaction is a moment. Repeated, it becomes how people see you. Your repeated reactions become your reputation.

Can I stop overreacting?

Yes.

There's nothing wrong with the responder. The problem is the calibration.

A Pressure Reflex was trained, so it can be retrained. You don't fire the responders. You reset the alarm, so they come for real fires and stay home for burnt toast.

"Before, I was hitting the same limits in my reactions and decisions. After this work, I now trust myself under pressure and show up differently in both my work and relationships."

Gary Pearl, Executive Producer, Jane the Virgin

When the alarm is set for the life you actually have, small moments get to stay small.