Why do I get defensive when I get feedback?

You get defensive when you get feedback because part of you reads it as an attack on your competence. A Pressure Reflex called The Defender takes over to protect it, even when you agree with every word. The Defender is one of eight Pressure Reflexes named by Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System.

You know this moment

Your manager's notes come back on the proposal.

Most of it is fine. One line isn't. "The pricing section isn't convincing."

You read it once, and you find yourself already typing. Why the pricing is right. What they missed. The last three times you were right.

You haven't read the rest of the notes yet.

Why does feedback feel like an attack?

Your brain is always asking one question: am I safe?

It isn't asking whether the feedback is useful or fair. It's asking whether you're safe.

For a lot of people, feedback lands on something much bigger than the work. It lands on being good at what you do. If your alarm learned somewhere along the way that making a mistake means you're a failure, then a note on your proposal reads as a threat to you.

So the alarm calls in The Defender. And The Defender runs on one line:

"If I defend myself, you'll change your mind."

Why do I get defensive even when I agree?

This is the part that confuses people.

You can know they're right and still find yourself arguing. That's because The Defender takes over before you've decided anything. Agreeing happens when you think it through. The responder shows up first.

When is getting defensive the right call?

The Defender is an emergency responder, built for a real threat. If a false accusation could cost your team their jobs, you want someone who stands their ground and doesn't back down.

Feedback on a proposal is not that. Nothing is actually in danger. But your alarm reads it as an attack, and The Defender shows up at full force. Your reaction ends up bigger than the moment. That's a false alarm.

What does getting defensive look like?

• Saying "yes, but" before the sentence is finished
• Pointing out what the other person got wrong
• Bringing up your track record
• Answering written feedback within a minute, point by point

And The Defender rarely travels alone. It often brings The Overexplainer with it. First you push back. Then you explain for ten minutes.

What does it cost you?

The feedback doesn't stop. It just stops coming to you.

It shows up in your review instead, and in the meetings you're not in.

Once it's called in, The Defender defends at all costs, and it wins the moment. You pay for it later. Your repeated reactions become your reputation.

How do I stop getting defensive?

It starts with recognizing The Defender when it shows up. The tell is simple. Your reaction is bigger than the moment.

Recognizing it gives you a moment back. Lasting change goes deeper. A Pressure Reflex was trained, so it can be retrained, until feedback stops reading as a threat in the first place.

That's the work of Pressure Reflex Training.

"Weeks prior, in the same situations I was feeling inadequate, defensive, and stressed. No more of that."

Andrew Pettit, Strategic Advisor and Board Member

Feedback is information. When The Defender stays home, you actually get to use it.