The People Pleaser

The People Pleaser is the Pressure Reflex that goes along with others to keep the connection. It is one of eight Pressure Reflexes named by Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System. It wants connection. And it will give up almost anything to keep it, even when the cost lands on you or someone you love.

You know this moment

Someone drops something on you at 4:40 on a Friday.

You hear yourself say "yeah, send it over, no problem" before you've done the math.

The math was not close.

The tournament is three hours away. Your kid's teammates are in your hotel room. There's a game Sunday morning.

And on Wednesday you promised this weekend was theirs.

You build the presentation in that hotel room at 11pm. You miss the game.

Why do I say yes when I mean no?

You'll tell yourself you're just a team player. That they really needed it.

That isn't why.

A version of you learned that disappointing people is dangerous. The People Pleaser takes over to protect you from it.

It runs on one line:

"If I keep you happy, you won't leave."

So you say yes before you've decided anything. Even when the yes is already promised to someone else.

When is The People Pleaser the right responder?

Every Pressure Reflex is an emergency responder. Each one is built for a real threat.

In a real emergency, The People Pleaser is exactly who you want. Someone is angry and unpredictable, and keeping them calm keeps everyone safe. Going along with it gets everyone home.

A false alarm looks different. A Friday afternoon request. A disagreement in a meeting. Someone who seems a little disappointed. Nobody is in danger, but your alarm reads their displeasure as a threat, and The People Pleaser says yes, whatever it costs. Your reaction ends up bigger than the moment. That's a false alarm.

What does The People Pleaser look like?

• Saying yes before you've checked what it costs
• Agreeing in the meeting, even when you know the plan won't work
• Dropping your position the moment someone pushes back
• Taking on the extra work so nobody's upset with you
• Saying yes to hosting again, when you'd promised yourself you wouldn't

What does The People Pleaser cost you?

They don't walk away thinking you're a team player. They walk away knowing you're the one who never says no.

And the people you promised pay for it.

Once it's called in, The People Pleaser keeps the peace at all costs. Even when the cost lands on you. Even when it lands on the people you love.

The People Pleaser gives up what you really think to keep the connection. And the giving up is what weakens it. It turns into resentment. Yours, and theirs.

Your repeated reactions become your reputation.

Is The People Pleaser one of your main Pressure Reflexes?

You might recognize it in lines like:

• "I don't want people upset with me."
• "I say yes when I want to say no."
• "I avoid disappointing people."

Everyone experiences The People Pleaser at some point. For some people, it's a predominant Pressure Reflex, the one that shows up most, especially around conflict and rejection.

And when it is, it rarely shows up alone. It often brings one or two other Pressure Reflexes with it.

Either way, The People Pleaser is not who you are. It is who takes over.

Protection isn't the problem. Outdated protection is. What was trained can be retrained.

"If I don't hear about a friend at a certain time frame, I'm like... they're mad at me, they don't like me."

John L., Keynote Speaker

The goal isn't to stop caring about people. It's connection without leaving yourself behind.

See all eight Pressure Reflexes