You over-explain because part of you reads being misunderstood as dangerous. A Pressure Reflex called The Overexplainer takes over and keeps talking until it feels sure you understand. Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System, named it as one of 8 Pressure Reflexes.
You know this moment
You have to cancel dinner with a friend.
You start typing. The meeting ran long. Then the client called. Then you remembered the thing for your kid's school. 4 paragraphs.
You delete half of it. Send the rest.
They reply, "No worries! Next week?"
And you find yourself typing again. Just to make sure they really get why.
Why do I explain so much?
Your brain is always asking one question: am I safe?
For some people, being misunderstood feels like the opposite of safe. If being misread ever cost you something, a relationship, a job, someone's trust, your alarm learned to watch for it.
So when there's any chance someone might get the wrong idea, the alarm calls in The Overexplainer. And it runs on one line:
"If I explain enough, you'll finally get me."
That's why it keeps going after the question is answered. It isn't trying to inform anymore. It's trying to be understood.
Isn't that just being thorough?
No. The difference is easy to spot.
Thorough fits the question. Someone asks for the full story and you give it.
Over-explaining keeps going after "no worries." It answers questions nobody asked. It defends a decision that was already approved.
When is all that explaining the right call?
The Overexplainer is an emergency responder too. When a misunderstanding could get someone hurt, you want every detail covered. Walking a new hire through a safety procedure. Handing off something critical in the middle of the night.
Canceling dinner is not that. Neither is a quick update or a simple yes-or-no question. Nothing is actually in danger. But your alarm reads being misunderstood as a threat, and The Overexplainer shows up at full force. The explanation is bigger than the moment. That's a false alarm.
What does over-explaining look like?
- Answering a yes-or-no question with the whole history
- Sending a second text after "no worries"
- Explaining why you need a day off when nobody asked for a reason
- Justifying a choice before anyone has questioned it
It often shows up right after The Defender. First you push back. Then you explain for 10 minutes.
What does it cost you?
Somewhere in paragraph 3, the other person stops reading.
And the extra explaining starts to sound like guilt. People wonder what you're covering for, even when you're covering for nothing.
Once it's called in, The Overexplainer explains at all costs. Even when the explaining is what's hurting your case. Your repeated reactions become your reputation.
How do I stop over-explaining?
It starts with catching the moment the answer is done and the talking isn't.
Lasting change goes deeper. A Pressure Reflex was trained, so it can be retrained, until being misunderstood stops reading as a threat. That's the work of Pressure Reflex Training.
"Deano has an innate ability to distill a complex opportunity into a couple of short sentences."
Lou Carricarte, LinkedIn recommendation
A clear sentence was always enough. The Overexplainer just never believed it.
Keep reading
- Why do I get defensive when I get feedback?You get defensive about feedback because part of you reads it as an attack on your credibility. A Pressure Reflex called The Defender takes over to protect it.
- Why can't I say no without feeling guilty?You can't say no without guilt because part of you reads disappointing someone as a threat to the connection. The People Pleaser takes over and says yes.
- How do you get out of your own way?You get in your own way when a Pressure Reflex takes over at the moments that matter most. Getting out of your own way means retraining it.
Start here: The Overexplainer · What is a Pressure Reflex? · All articles
Questions people ask
What is a Pressure Reflex?
A Pressure Reflex is the emergency responder your brain calls in when a moment feels like a threat. It was trained into you, and it can be retrained.
Why do I over-explain myself?
Because part of you reads being misunderstood as dangerous. A Pressure Reflex called The Overexplainer takes over and keeps explaining until it feels sure the other person understands.
Why do I over-explain in my relationship?
Close relationships raise the stakes on being misunderstood. If your alarm learned that being misread meant losing someone, even a simple text can set off The Overexplainer.
Is over-explaining the same as being thorough?
No. Being thorough fits the question. Over-explaining keeps going after the question has been answered, because the goal has quietly shifted from informing to being understood.
How do I stop over-explaining?
It starts with noticing when the explaining keeps going after the answer is done. Lasting change comes from retraining The Overexplainer, so being misunderstood stops reading as a threat.
Keep getting in your own way when the pressure is on? Let's talk about where it's costing you. Free, 30 minutes, one to one.