You need to control everything because part of you reads uncertainty as danger. A Pressure Reflex called The Ringmaster takes over so nothing can go wrong. Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System, identified it as one of the 8 Pressure Reflexes.
You know this moment
You're planning a weekend away with friends.
You built the spreadsheet. You booked the restaurants. You made a group chat for it. You sent everyone a packing list.
Someone suggests a different place for Saturday dinner. Just an idea.
Before the chat has gone quiet, you find yourself confirming the original reservation anyway.
Nobody argues. Nobody suggests anything else all weekend, either.
Why do I feel like I have to control it?
Your brain is always asking one question: am I safe?
For some people, not knowing how something will turn out reads as danger. If things fell apart when you weren't watching, at home, at school, at an early job, your alarm learned that you have to watch everything.
So when there's uncertainty, the alarm calls in The Ringmaster. It runs on one line:
"If I control it, everything will be okay."
It wants to create certainty. And it will take the wheel from anyone to do it.
Is micromanaging a control problem?
Usually, yes.
Micromanaging is The Ringmaster at work. Checking in before anyone has had a chance to start. Rewriting work someone else owns. Taking back a task you already handed off. Wanting to see the email before it goes out.
It rarely has much to do with the other person's ability. It has everything to do with how uncertain the work makes you feel.
When is taking control the right call?
The Ringmaster is an emergency responder. When the building is on fire and nobody knows what to do, someone needs to take command. In that moment, The Ringmaster looks like a leader.
A dinner suggestion is not that. Neither is a teammate doing it their own way, or a plan with a few unknowns. Nothing is falling apart. But your alarm reads the uncertainty as danger, and The Ringmaster takes over. The takeover is bigger than the moment. That's a false alarm.
What does control look like day to day?
- Asking for updates before the work has started
- Redoing what someone else already finished
- Needing to be cc'd on everything
- Repacking the dishwasher, the car or the plan after someone else did it
It sometimes travels with The People Pleaser. You say yes to everything, and then you have to control all of it.
What does it cost you?
People stop bringing their best, because they know you'll redo it anyway.
So you end up doing more and more yourself. You become the bottleneck you complain about. And at its most costly, The Ringmaster creates the very chaos it exists to manage.
Once it's called in, The Ringmaster takes control at all costs. Do that enough times and it becomes your reputation.
How do I stop needing control?
It starts with noticing when you're taking over something that was going fine.
Recognizing it is the start, not the finish. A Pressure Reflex was trained, so it can be retrained, until uncertainty stops reading as danger. That's the work we do in Pressure Reflex Training.
"Learn to build time, between initial emotion, and action, which can allow for a more empathetic response."
Michael Cruz, Head of Brand and Content, Partner
Holding everything isn't the same as holding it together.
Keep reading
- Why can't I say no without feeling guilty?You can't say no without guilt because part of you reads disappointing someone as a threat to the connection. The People Pleaser takes over and says yes.
- How do you make good decisions under pressure?Under pressure, a Pressure Reflex often makes the decision before you do. Better decisions start with knowing which one is deciding, and retraining it.
- How do you get out of your own way?You get in your own way when a Pressure Reflex takes over at the moments that matter most. Getting out of your own way means retraining it.
Start here: The Ringmaster · What is a Pressure Reflex? · All articles
Questions people ask
What is a Pressure Reflex?
A Pressure Reflex is the emergency responder your brain calls in when a moment feels like a threat. It was trained into you, and it can be retrained.
Why do I need to control everything?
Because part of you reads uncertainty as danger. A Pressure Reflex called The Ringmaster takes over and tries to manage every detail, because to your alarm, control feels like safety.
Is micromanaging a control problem?
Often, yes. Micromanaging is one of the most common ways The Ringmaster shows up at work. It isn't usually about the other person's ability. It's about the alarm reading uncertainty as danger.
Is The Ringmaster always bad?
No. In a real emergency, someone needs to take command, and The Ringmaster looks like a leader. The problem is when it runs a project, a meeting or a dinner that never needed it.
How do I stop needing to control everything?
It starts with noticing when you're taking over something that was going fine. Lasting change comes from retraining The Ringmaster, so uncertainty stops reading as danger.
Keep getting in your own way when the pressure is on? Let's talk about where it's costing you. Free, 30 minutes, one to one.