You avoid hard conversations because part of you reads the discomfort as danger. A Pressure Reflex called The Dodger gets you out. And every time it does, the conversation gets a little heavier. Deano Sutter, founder of Pressure Reflex™ Leadership Training System, named The Dodger as one of 8 Pressure Reflexes.
You know this moment
Someone on your team has missed deadlines for 2 months.
You've rehearsed the conversation in the shower. Twice. Monday, you decide. Monday is the day.
Monday there's a fire. Tuesday they seem stressed, so it doesn't feel like the right time. Wednesday you're slammed.
By Friday, you've talked yourself into the idea that it's not that big a deal.
It is. You just haven't had the conversation.
Why do I keep putting it off?
Your alarm has one job. It asks, over and over: am I safe?
Hard conversations come loaded with things your alarm may read as danger. Someone getting upset. Conflict. Tears. Not knowing how it ends. If any of that ever felt unsafe, your alarm learned to steer you away from it.
So it calls in The Dodger, and The Dodger runs on one line:
"If I put it off, I can't fail at it."
Its favorite word is "later."
Why do leaders avoid difficult conversations?
Because a title doesn't change the alarm.
Leaders are often great at the hard parts of the job that don't involve another person's reaction, like the numbers and the strategy. It's the conversation where someone might be hurt or angry that sets off The Dodger.
And because leaders are busy, The Dodger always has a believable excuse.
When is getting out the right call?
The Dodger is an emergency responder. If an argument is about to turn physical, getting out is the smart move. If someone is pushing you to sign today and the numbers don't add up, walking away protects you.
A performance conversation is not that. Neither is telling your partner something has been bothering you. Nothing bad happens if you face it. But your alarm reads the discomfort as danger, and The Dodger gets you out. The escape is bigger than the moment. That's a false alarm.
What does avoiding it look like?
- "Let's grab time next week"
- Sending an email when the conversation needs to be in person
- A joke right when it starts to get real
- Deciding it's not a big deal, after deciding it was
What does it cost you?
The conversation doesn't go away. It just gets heavier.
The person on your team doesn't get a chance to fix it. Then they hear about it in their review, and it feels like an ambush. The trust you were trying to protect takes the hit anyway.
Once it's called in, The Dodger gets you out at all costs. Your repeated reactions become your reputation, and The Dodger's reputation is "never deals with the hard stuff."
How do I stop avoiding hard conversations?
It starts with noticing the word "later" when The Dodger says it.
Lasting change goes deeper. A Pressure Reflex was trained, so it can be retrained, until discomfort stops reading as danger. That's what Pressure Reflex Training is for.
"Taught our team how to get to the core of most any miscommunication."
Michael Cruz, Head of Brand and Content, Partner
The conversation you keep moving to next week will still be there next week. Just heavier.
Keep reading
- Why can't I say no without feeling guilty?You can't say no without guilt because part of you reads disappointing someone as a threat to the connection. The People Pleaser takes over and says yes.
- How do you get out of your own way?You get in your own way when a Pressure Reflex takes over at the moments that matter most. Getting out of your own way means retraining it.
- How do you make good decisions under pressure?Under pressure, a Pressure Reflex often makes the decision before you do. Better decisions start with knowing which one is deciding, and retraining it.
Start here: The Dodger · What is a Pressure Reflex? · All articles
Questions people ask
What is a Pressure Reflex?
A Pressure Reflex is the emergency responder your brain calls in when a moment feels like a threat. It was trained into you, and it can be retrained.
Why do I avoid hard conversations?
Because part of you reads the discomfort of the conversation as danger. A Pressure Reflex called The Dodger takes over and gets you out, usually by pushing it to later.
Why do leaders avoid difficult conversations?
Leaders carry the same alarm as everyone else. When a conversation could disappoint someone, create conflict or end badly, The Dodger can take over and find a reason it can wait.
Is avoiding a conversation the same as procrastinating?
It can look the same from the outside. The Dodger isn't lazy. It's protecting you from a discomfort your alarm reads as dangerous.
How do I stop avoiding hard conversations?
It starts with noticing the word later. Lasting change comes from retraining The Dodger, so discomfort stops reading as danger and the conversation can happen while it's still small.
Keep getting in your own way when the pressure is on? Let's talk about where it's costing you. Free, 30 minutes, one to one.